Love letter to Myself

I was reading in a magazine that you should write a love letter to yourself, it'll make you feel better so here goes nothing..

Dearest Ashley,

I've known you for what seems like forever, yet not long enough. I admire so much about you and wish you too would admire yourself. I love how you have endured so much heartache, loss, and hard times. You still get out of bed (although it may be later in the morning than you should) and you try to live each day as a new day. I admire your deep inner strength (even though sometimes you struggle to use it). I love how you put your children first, have made lots of sacrifices and chosen the best for them (no matter how hard it was for you). I find it empowering that you worked 3 jobs and went to night school, all while pregnant and caring for a 3 year old. You are a rockin' momma whether you believe it or not. Don't let anyone else tell you you're not a good mom, because you are. You do the best that you can and that's all that anyone can do.

I know you are hard on yourself, especially about your body image. Keep telling yourself that you have brought two beautiful children into this world. Not everyone can pay for tummy tucks, personal trainers, nutrionists, and super healthy diet food. You do the best you can with what God gave you, and he gave you a healthy and fertile body with the ability to bear children and not have any major complications. Remember that is a blessing in itself, so many women struggle to get pregnant and to carry to term. Your body may not look like a super model's but it has super human strength and it has all the necessities to nuture children. Sure you might have stretch marks, some cellulite, and extra skin forming a cute little pooch (ok not so cute but whatev), most mommies have this too and it's well worth the reward! You have a wonderful man who loves you just like you are, who loved you after your body had these two children and who said himself that he probably wouldn't have been attracted to your former 115 lb highschool self. He loves the woman and mom you are now. So let go of the dreams of having that highschool body back. You're much better in this new form that you possess and it'll just keep getting better with age! And by the way you still have some killer legs!

The thing I probably love the most about you is your huge heart, the fact that you want to give and give til you can't give anymore and then to keep giving. Sure you can pout when you don't get your way, but 9 times out of 10 you make sure the one's you love have what they want. You are forgiving, you give 2nd chances, and you try to remain patient til the bitter end. You're sensitive and compassionate(although sometimes jealous) and you rarely say a mean word, unless deserved. You may not say how thankful you are all the time, but you show your love and gratitude in ways you know best(helping in subtle ways or baking some goodies). You have a lot to offer and don't forget that! Even in hard times like now, just because you aren't working doesn't mean you are worthless. You are smart and intelligent and the right job will come. You will find that niche where you have always wanted to be and you will be happy in a job where you help others. It will come just be patient.

I love your faith in your loved ones, in God and in mankind in general. Don't lose your faith. You don't need others to tell you that you have no faith because you don't practice a religion. Faith is so much better and stronger. Keep your faith close to your heart and your prayers frequent. God will always guide you down the right path.

I love you for you! So don't forget that!

And here's a song that I love right now, makes me feel happy!!

So this is love...

(I am going to break up all I have to say into two totally separate posts because one is going to be about the crazy weekend and the other about The Boo exclusively!)

Laying in bed this morning, talking about names(for future little Boos) that we like, I had the thought..So this is love..

When he rubs my face and gives me the sweetest look I've ever seen, I have the thought, So this is love...

While watching him sleep so peacefully (must have been dreaming of me), I have the thought, So this is love..

Posing for a kissy picture, I had the thought..So this is love..

Listening to him say he will be the best daddy he can to Boots, I had the thought, So this is love..

I want to give him all of me, parts of me that I never knew existed until he came along. He is everything I've ever wanted, ever needed..

I'm feeling things I've never felt, this is love..

TO THE MAX..it's how I roll...

I apparently like to do everything TO THE MAX...lately it's been love and stress..TO THE MAX...

Most of my life is absolutely perfect...that being The Boo and Boots...while the rest, Bubba and my lack of work is not so perfect thus causing stress TO THE MAX..(ok I promise that's the last time I'll use that phrase in this blog) I desperately want Bubba to come be with us for Christmas, but that requires a drive to New Orleans to pick him up (the half way point) and then trekking back there to drop him off...Another problem is that I need to find a job ASAP and if that happens where is he going to be while I am working?? I can't start working and ask off for a week during Christmas..I highly doubt that will fly..AND what if I can't get a job WHAT ABOUT PRESENTS FOR MY CHILDREN!?!?!?? sigh...I don't even want to think of such a thing...I hate myself for being in this position...really I do..

As for The Boo, he is amazing..absolutely UHHH MAZ ING! I don't ever want to come back home after spending the weekend with him...sadly I have to come back to reality and I hate it. He is so in love with me and with Boots, he is the greatest thing to have happened to us in a long time. He makes getting up and going through the rest of the mediocrity soooooo worth it! He let me drive his car home(therefore I am in charge of it until Friday when I drive it back to his house)...I find this a huge example of his trust in me..and it feels oh so good. Everytime he told me he loved me this weekend, felt like the first time and I was just as surprised to hear him saying it. (weird huh?) I'm so happy that these are new feelings..tells me this isn't just ANYBODY telling me what they think I want to hear..it's REAL..(TO THE MAX...ok I had to haha)

As for what I have been up to...um..this weekend was pretty low key..watching football and such..had some people over for some bbq-ing, football, and rock band on Sunday..I'm excited for the Jags game this weekend though..it will be a nice escape..

And he said...

"I need to tell you something.." (as he grabs my hand)

My heart racing, I cluelessly ask, "What?"

"I love you."

I can barely get it out, but I whisper, "I love you too." (While screaming in my head "AHHHHH Did he really just say that?!??! How lucky am I?!?!?")

Everyday with The Boo just gets better..(I'm sure some of you are like, "WTF aren't you moving fast?" But like The Boo put it last night, You can't really pass judgement until you're in the situation yourself...If one of my friends had told me about their relationship(pre Boo) and described it how I have to you, I'd be like...You're moving a bit fast don't you think?? However now that I'm experiencing the most wonderful, amazing, once in a lifetime relationship I can say"If that's how you feel, then it must be right.")

I do have to admit, I can be kind of impatient and hard on The Boo, and I really need to work on that. I am demanding and bossy, but this is only because I finally know what I want..(sometimes however it's hard to put it into words..and so then it gets held in and then I have a huge pouting episode where I struggle to verbalize what I want(this is usually in reference to what I want sexually..I know I know..that's all I'll say about that)..I'm sure it will get easier with time, and I know I want to be totally open with The Boo, just gotta get over my shyness and modesty..(any suggestions??!!?!?) I am proud to say atleast I recognize my faults...

By the way did I mention that The Boo loves me!?!??!

I realized..

I did not gush enough about the past 5 days spent with The Boo...so now I will..starting with the top 10 moments of those 5 days..

10. The Boo meeting both parents and sisters. It went exceptionally well.
9. The Boo wanting to hold Boots as soon as he got there. (He is pretty into her, much more so than TSMOE who was possibly her father..he's such a shitty person..moving on)
8. The Boo being a part of Boots very first Halloween (and like I said before he asked to be a part of it all on his own)
7. Having a few drinks with The Boo and all my feelings only being amplified..what a wonderful high!
6. I told a joke(we were in the Mcdonald's line getting some late night food and he said if we kept eating like that we were going to get fat..and I said "well maybe you should increase my physical activity [yes a sexual inuendo]) and he laughed and said he was so glad that I was his girl. (butterflies!!)
5. We were watching the FL/GA game and I was laying with my head in his lap, I looked up at him and he sang the line "You're my best friend" to me from the Tim Mcgraw song. (our song by the way)
4. We had a fight (mostly me starting a fight to see how much he cared) and I finally said I didn't want to fight anymore and he grabbed me, pulled me close, held me tight and said he didn't want to either. (Every other relationship was about me having to apologize or end the fighting and nothing really got resolved, and there was never any making up...he makes sure we make up every time and that I'm not mad at him for too long..this is someone really truly caring..)
3. He was a little grumpy (stressed, which I can understand) and so he was frustrating me, so I just stopped talking to him. He kept up his bad mood for a car ride and then maybe 2 minutes after we walked in the house he came in the room and wouldn't let me leave til we kissed and made up.
2. Our number 2 time (yes, sex..or should I say making love..[I know the bestie will laugh but that's what it is!]) I am starting to let my walls down and so it's only going to get better. Even if I may say other wise, I think I will be able to be completely open with him in the bedroom and that is a huge first!
1. Of course our very first time (which was Halloween night) It was full of a lot of passion, lots of kissing and touching..just perfect. And I can honestly say I just want that with him..there's no doubt that I would not be sad if there was never another 'lover' in my life.

So those were the top moments from my time with The Boo...of course pretty much every minute with him is amazing, but thought I'd highlight a few for you.

Life is a runaway train, I can't wait to jump on..

I've jumped on the train and am holding on tight, this time I'm not going to let go. I may say I want to go home or get away but this is ALWAYS a ploy to get you to show you care...don't ever doubt that Boo. And by the way my residence may say St. Mary's, Ga but my HOME is with The Boo. I have already decided, this is so very right. I want to tell him that I want to be with him all the time, which is code for I want to live here..but something keeps telling me to hold on..I'm not totally sure he's ready for that and I don't even know all the work that would have to be done for that to really happen in reality...there would have to be a lot of talking and planning and well I just don't know how to bring it up..How do you bring that up, "Hey Boo I want to move in like yesterday and start our life together officially today.." Yea, it just sounds stupid no matter how I put it, plus a lot of it is my huge fear of being rejected which I have felt quite frequently..probably more of my own insecurities. He's so happy, he's not worried about physical relations (read:sex ha ha)..I'm so happy, that's all I can think of..In the past I may have wanted to have meaningless sex, but since I made the decision a long time ago (February) to not have sex anymore without a committed relationship, it's been hard for me to trust and even want to have sex...And now I trust, I feel safe and so that means my sex drive is through the roof..Plus for most women sex equates to love, it's how we express the words we can't find for the overwhelming feelings we feel. This being said..I don't want to initiate it all the time yet because of this fear of being rejected, even if that's not what he's doing on purpose, when we don't have it that's what it feels like to me. I'm not good enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc etc. Yes, I realize these are my issues, I need to work on my confidence but what girl doesn't want their Boo to ravish them, to come home and not be able to stand it, they have to rip all their clothes off and have them right then and there....I'm pretty sure that is every girl's fantasy..Now this is not in anyway me saying that there is something wrong with The Boo, because there isn't one thing I want to point out as being wrong. And I would also like to say that we have had some physical relations and they were more than I could have ever expected (not helping my already massive sex drive!) He seems to just get more and more perfect for me (I know you can go throw up now..I'm kind of making myself sick with all this lovey dovey talk)

So let's talk about the weekend..

Halloween...The Boo came to go trick or treating with Boots, myself, and the 2 sisters.(by the way he brought up going with us ON HIS OWN) Sadly hardly anyone was participating this year...how rude..Then we came back to his house and had those physical relations I mentioned earlier he he...

Saturday we watched the gators whoop up on the stupid bulldogs!!!! Gotta root for The Boo's team! We later went over to a friend's house and I got a little tipsy he he...I just want to say how much I love his friends, they are so thoughtful and sweet and I immediately felt welcomed. I don't know how to explain how major this is, but it is MAJOR. I've never really had that before and I think it's just another sign to add to the list of "Reasons why I'm meant to be with The Boo."

Sunday we were back at that friend's house watching the jags...lose...I don't even want to talk about that...

Monday I waited for The Boo to come home so we could go to the store to get stuff to make dinner, I am finding that I enjoy cooking and cleaning up for him...I might have missed it just a tiny bit, ok that's a lie...I miss it greatly. I miss having my own home to take care of however I want to and feeling like the queen of the house instead of a child in my parent's house.

Today...I am being lazy..as you can guess, I'm on here in my jammies feverishly typing away because I have to admit I've missed writing in this thing...ha ha how sad.

By the way I have three new favorite things:
1. Watch The Boo sleep
2. The Boo's freckles
3. AND (this is probably number 1) Watch The Boo hold Boots, probably the cutest, sweetest, best thing I've ever seen. Makes me look forward to a few years down the road (wink wink).

So back to the runaway train thing, I'm definitely on the right runaway train and I hope that the tracks never end and that the train chugs along endlessly. :)

No one could possibly miss someone this much..

So how crazy is it that in 3 short weeks, I feel so close to The Boo..I feel like he is what has been missing and even if I had never met him I would STILL be missing him. It's amazing how life works itself out, how somethings fall apart so even better things can come together. Each day I spend away from him, I ache to be close to him even more. I can no longer see my life without him in it. How crazy is that?!?!? It can't be too crazy because he tells me (all the time) how he feels exactly the same. Someone once told me that they didn't think there was just one person for everyone, but it was more about the right time. I still believe that there is one amazing, crazy, long lasting love for everyone and all the other 'loves' weren't really loves at all, but just us settling or trying to make things work because the real ONE hadn't shown themselves to us yet.

When I sit down and think of all the ways we could have crossed paths already, it gives me chills..He briefly went to the same middle school as I did... His best friend went to my highschool, I was friends with several people in his graduating class. The Boo and his best friend worked at the same Winn Dixie I did but right before I started working there..But we only brushed paths for a reason, we weren't ready for each other..We needed to spend that time apart to be able to be the people we are today and I am thankful that now we finally can cross paths, join hands and walk the same path TOGETHER.

If I am dreaming, please don't wake me...