Showing posts with label Boots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boots. Show all posts

December 9, 2008

When no one else wants to listen..

So I have stupid mommy stats to blab about and seems like no one is around to listen.

Sidenote:

The Boo has been extremely busy lately (apparently December is a busy time for carpet cleaning?? CLEAN IT YOURSELVES PEOPLE!)Anyway I have been struggling trying to keep myself busy and not be an annoying and clingy girlfriend, but the less attention I get the more needy I become. Since I have one failed marriage (and slew of failed relationships) under my belt, I am frantic to not let another one happen. I now realize any relationship is work, hard work. You must stay connected, you must not let mediocrity and life force you apart. If you're tired, too bad, suck it up, and make time for each other, because it will just keep getting worse if you do not stop it NOW! (These are the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. True I have more free time to freak out and have panic attacks about it, BUT it's all true.)

Moving on..

Boots is now 5 months old (and 7 days). She is 14lbs 8oz and 26.75 inches. She is in the 90th percentile for her height! They keep saying she has long legs and is going to be tall (Dead beat is tall). I am excited for that, why you ask? Because I am a whopping 5'3". It gets old. She is healthy and developing well. We tried applesauce today and she seemed to like it much more than the rice cereal. I am excited to start solids. It's so much fun to stand in the baby food aisle and plan little meals for your baby. They have so many new things since Bubba was a baby too. (Yes, once you're a mother you dream about baby food and slings from ebay. I'm serious! True, I would enjoy new things for myself [God knows my bra has about had it] but once you have kids buying stuff for them is much more fulfilling) So no, still no job, no money(Well we have started to get Christmas money but I can't bring myself to pay bills with it, my babies need clothes and fun stuff. Why should they suffer for my poor choices?), and a huge pile of past due notices, yet I have a few things to be happy and excited about-beautiful and healthy children that love me no matter how ratty my bra is!

November 18, 2008

So this is love...

(I am going to break up all I have to say into two totally separate posts because one is going to be about the crazy weekend and the other about The Boo exclusively!)

Laying in bed this morning, talking about names(for future little Boos) that we like, I had the thought..So this is love..

When he rubs my face and gives me the sweetest look I've ever seen, I have the thought, So this is love...

While watching him sleep so peacefully (must have been dreaming of me), I have the thought, So this is love..

Posing for a kissy picture, I had the thought..So this is love..

Listening to him say he will be the best daddy he can to Boots, I had the thought, So this is love..

I want to give him all of me, parts of me that I never knew existed until he came along. He is everything I've ever wanted, ever needed..

I'm feeling things I've never felt, this is love..

November 12, 2008

TO THE MAX..it's how I roll...

I apparently like to do everything TO THE MAX...lately it's been love and stress..TO THE MAX...

Most of my life is absolutely perfect...that being The Boo and Boots...while the rest, Bubba and my lack of work is not so perfect thus causing stress TO THE MAX..(ok I promise that's the last time I'll use that phrase in this blog) I desperately want Bubba to come be with us for Christmas, but that requires a drive to New Orleans to pick him up (the half way point) and then trekking back there to drop him off...Another problem is that I need to find a job ASAP and if that happens where is he going to be while I am working?? I can't start working and ask off for a week during Christmas..I highly doubt that will fly..AND what if I can't get a job WHAT ABOUT PRESENTS FOR MY CHILDREN!?!?!?? sigh...I don't even want to think of such a thing...I hate myself for being in this position...really I do..

As for The Boo, he is amazing..absolutely UHHH MAZ ING! I don't ever want to come back home after spending the weekend with him...sadly I have to come back to reality and I hate it. He is so in love with me and with Boots, he is the greatest thing to have happened to us in a long time. He makes getting up and going through the rest of the mediocrity soooooo worth it! He let me drive his car home(therefore I am in charge of it until Friday when I drive it back to his house)...I find this a huge example of his trust in me..and it feels oh so good. Everytime he told me he loved me this weekend, felt like the first time and I was just as surprised to hear him saying it. (weird huh?) I'm so happy that these are new feelings..tells me this isn't just ANYBODY telling me what they think I want to hear..it's REAL..(TO THE MAX...ok I had to haha)

As for what I have been up to...um..this weekend was pretty low key..watching football and such..had some people over for some bbq-ing, football, and rock band on Sunday..I'm excited for the Jags game this weekend though..it will be a nice escape..

November 6, 2008

I realized..

I did not gush enough about the past 5 days spent with The Boo...so now I will..starting with the top 10 moments of those 5 days..

10. The Boo meeting both parents and sisters. It went exceptionally well.
9. The Boo wanting to hold Boots as soon as he got there. (He is pretty into her, much more so than TSMOE who was possibly her father..he's such a shitty person..moving on)
8. The Boo being a part of Boots very first Halloween (and like I said before he asked to be a part of it all on his own)
7. Having a few drinks with The Boo and all my feelings only being amplified..what a wonderful high!
6. I told a joke(we were in the Mcdonald's line getting some late night food and he said if we kept eating like that we were going to get fat..and I said "well maybe you should increase my physical activity [yes a sexual inuendo]) and he laughed and said he was so glad that I was his girl. (butterflies!!)
5. We were watching the FL/GA game and I was laying with my head in his lap, I looked up at him and he sang the line "You're my best friend" to me from the Tim Mcgraw song. (our song by the way)
4. We had a fight (mostly me starting a fight to see how much he cared) and I finally said I didn't want to fight anymore and he grabbed me, pulled me close, held me tight and said he didn't want to either. (Every other relationship was about me having to apologize or end the fighting and nothing really got resolved, and there was never any making up...he makes sure we make up every time and that I'm not mad at him for too long..this is someone really truly caring..)
3. He was a little grumpy (stressed, which I can understand) and so he was frustrating me, so I just stopped talking to him. He kept up his bad mood for a car ride and then maybe 2 minutes after we walked in the house he came in the room and wouldn't let me leave til we kissed and made up.
2. Our number 2 time (yes, sex..or should I say making love..[I know the bestie will laugh but that's what it is!]) I am starting to let my walls down and so it's only going to get better. Even if I may say other wise, I think I will be able to be completely open with him in the bedroom and that is a huge first!
1. Of course our very first time (which was Halloween night) It was full of a lot of passion, lots of kissing and touching..just perfect. And I can honestly say I just want that with him..there's no doubt that I would not be sad if there was never another 'lover' in my life.

So those were the top moments from my time with The Boo...of course pretty much every minute with him is amazing, but thought I'd highlight a few for you.

November 4, 2008

Life is a runaway train, I can't wait to jump on..

I've jumped on the train and am holding on tight, this time I'm not going to let go. I may say I want to go home or get away but this is ALWAYS a ploy to get you to show you care...don't ever doubt that Boo. And by the way my residence may say St. Mary's, Ga but my HOME is with The Boo. I have already decided, this is so very right. I want to tell him that I want to be with him all the time, which is code for I want to live here..but something keeps telling me to hold on..I'm not totally sure he's ready for that and I don't even know all the work that would have to be done for that to really happen in reality...there would have to be a lot of talking and planning and well I just don't know how to bring it up..How do you bring that up, "Hey Boo I want to move in like yesterday and start our life together officially today.." Yea, it just sounds stupid no matter how I put it, plus a lot of it is my huge fear of being rejected which I have felt quite frequently..probably more of my own insecurities. He's so happy, he's not worried about physical relations (read:sex ha ha)..I'm so happy, that's all I can think of..In the past I may have wanted to have meaningless sex, but since I made the decision a long time ago (February) to not have sex anymore without a committed relationship, it's been hard for me to trust and even want to have sex...And now I trust, I feel safe and so that means my sex drive is through the roof..Plus for most women sex equates to love, it's how we express the words we can't find for the overwhelming feelings we feel. This being said..I don't want to initiate it all the time yet because of this fear of being rejected, even if that's not what he's doing on purpose, when we don't have it that's what it feels like to me. I'm not good enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc etc. Yes, I realize these are my issues, I need to work on my confidence but what girl doesn't want their Boo to ravish them, to come home and not be able to stand it, they have to rip all their clothes off and have them right then and there....I'm pretty sure that is every girl's fantasy..Now this is not in anyway me saying that there is something wrong with The Boo, because there isn't one thing I want to point out as being wrong. And I would also like to say that we have had some physical relations and they were more than I could have ever expected (not helping my already massive sex drive!) He seems to just get more and more perfect for me (I know you can go throw up now..I'm kind of making myself sick with all this lovey dovey talk)

So let's talk about the weekend..

Halloween...The Boo came to go trick or treating with Boots, myself, and the 2 sisters.(by the way he brought up going with us ON HIS OWN) Sadly hardly anyone was participating this year...how rude..Then we came back to his house and had those physical relations I mentioned earlier he he...

Saturday we watched the gators whoop up on the stupid bulldogs!!!! Gotta root for The Boo's team! We later went over to a friend's house and I got a little tipsy he he...I just want to say how much I love his friends, they are so thoughtful and sweet and I immediately felt welcomed. I don't know how to explain how major this is, but it is MAJOR. I've never really had that before and I think it's just another sign to add to the list of "Reasons why I'm meant to be with The Boo."

Sunday we were back at that friend's house watching the jags...lose...I don't even want to talk about that...

Monday I waited for The Boo to come home so we could go to the store to get stuff to make dinner, I am finding that I enjoy cooking and cleaning up for him...I might have missed it just a tiny bit, ok that's a lie...I miss it greatly. I miss having my own home to take care of however I want to and feeling like the queen of the house instead of a child in my parent's house.

Today...I am being lazy..as you can guess, I'm on here in my jammies feverishly typing away because I have to admit I've missed writing in this thing...ha ha how sad.

By the way I have three new favorite things:
1. Watch The Boo sleep
2. The Boo's freckles
3. AND (this is probably number 1) Watch The Boo hold Boots, probably the cutest, sweetest, best thing I've ever seen. Makes me look forward to a few years down the road (wink wink).

So back to the runaway train thing, I'm definitely on the right runaway train and I hope that the tracks never end and that the train chugs along endlessly. :)

October 28, 2008

Alcohol, Jags Football, and First Impressions..

Let's just say first off I've had the best weekend I could have ever EVER imagined! The Boo is an amazing being and I keep saying, "What did I do to deserve to have him in my life.." But what haven't I done??..I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, given my all, and wanted the same in return and HE is now staring me in the face..I'm throwing all my "wanting to take things slow" thoughts out the window because he is just what I've always wanted..I know there will definitely be critics, probably some that I'm really close to, but I have always followed my heart, I have spent years grooming my intuition and it can sense when things are wrong (I just chose to ignore it...A LOT) And nothing about The Boo is wrong..I can't really tell you anything I do not like about him. Sounding too good to be true?? I think that sometimes too, but I am living in the moment(ok not totally true because I can see this going very well in the future...) Since I have the experience of many failed relationships(and a failed marriage) I can honestly say this relationship is unlike any I've had before. It was always about me giving 110% and not getting much in return, about me trying to convince the other person I was right for them...The Boo already knows that I'm right for him (this being confirmed by some late night/early morning convos) I am letting him say certain key things first before I let him know how I feel, that way I know it's genuine and untainted. It's hard to explain to someone how I am feeling, there really aren't too many words for it..but to try to put it into perspective..I was laying with my head on his chest and I realized that that is where I was always meant to be..resting in the crook of his arm, head on his chest, listening to his heart beat and his breath rise and fall...listen to the life go in and out of his chest and realize that now I have something MORE to live for..I'm not just getting through each day for my children..I want to share everything with this man. And when you feel such strong feelings for someone like that, is there really any way to put a time limit on when it's ok to feel such things?? (By the way none of my feelings are clouded by physical things [READ: Sex] and when we do have that special moment it won't cloud anything up, only enhance everything) With that said I can now give all the details of the wonderful weekend..

Saturday was a pretty stressful day around the house, tensions high between my mom and I..I was SO very happy to be rescued by my knight in a shining maxima (he he)..After watching my college team (Wisconsin Badgers baby!!) finally win a game and break their 4 game losing streak, The Boo picked Boots and I up. I must admit I was a little shy again at first, but after spending so much time with him I don't think I will be shy anymore. We got to his house and I immediately felt welcomed by his room mates. They were all SO sweet and really interested in Boots, which greatly surprised me. This proved that The Boo must have said some really good things and made them understand that I wasn't just some girl. Boots did have a little fussy episode for a bit (I'm thinking she just got overwhelmed and overstimulated with the new place, people, and dogs) Once Boots had settled down though, The Boo took me to his boss's/friend's place to hang out. Again, everyone was really cool. I didn't feel awkward or out of place. We ended the night with a nice cuddlefest (God, I love sleeping next to this man...even if I could barely sleep because I just wanted to stay up and talk and be in his arms)

Sunday..(Funday..) started with us dropping Boots off at the sitter's, then off to tailgating for the Jaguar/Browns game..I was a little nervous, I didn't know anyone besides who I came with and all of them I had just met except The Boo (obviously) I did drink some alcohol(Let's just remind you that it's been a year since I've drank anything!!) I took it slow, everyone was watching me (I could have still used the Bestie though) There were some times I got irritated with The Boo, but he quickly apologized and made up for it.(Another huge thing, he doesn't want to fight, doesn't want me to be mad or upset and isn't so full of pride that he can't apologize and kiss and make up) So we tailgated for like 5 hours before the game..and I was feeling pretty good..The game was fun, The Boo gets a little rowdy, but if I could handle the Bestie during football, I knew I could handle him and I did (He kept saying he was worried that I wouldn't want to go home with him after the game..so cute) Now even though we didn't win, it was a lot of fun. I got to spend some time with The Boo and got to see all the things and people he had been telling me about. (Unlike boyfriends in the past who didn't really let me in on their lives) The night ended with me being a little excitable (a nice G rated way of putting it) and The Boo passing out, while Boots refused to sleep. (Taking care of a baby after having some drinks is much more difficult..) Needless to say, we all got to bed safe and sound sooner or later.

Monday, The Boo was supposed to take me home, however we quickly decided that we wanted more time together. So I patiently waited at his house while he worked. Once he got home we got somethings and I made him dinner (Spaghetti Pie..at his request) I was nervous since cooking for someone is HUGE and I had never actually made spaghetti pie on my own. So with the help of several calls to my mom, I was able to make it and it turned out good! Nothing burned or burned down (ha ha) We then watched some Monday Night Football and cuddled and talked til the early morning where we fell asleep and woke up still in each other's arms..(this has never happened to me, boyfriends of the past like to wait til they think I'm asleep and then push me off) Let's just say I didn't want to go to sleep, but passed out from pure exhaustion only to wake up a few hours later and be wide awake, wanting more and more time with The Boo. He brought us home early this morning before he had to work and it was really hard to watch him get back in his car and leave.

I can't remember feeling this way before..that's how it should be..past 'loves' and heart breaks are fading and all I want to think about or remember is HIM...and what lies ahead of us..(the only things I can remember is what they all did wrong, and he now does right) I am getting a little teary eyed just thinking about some of the things he said to me this weekend(yes, a good happy teary eyed..a my heart is full and overflowing teary eyed..a I never want to not feel like I do when I'm with him teary eyed) He keeps saying things are going so well, he is worried that something is going to happen to mess things up, but I can't even imagine what could happen. He makes me so happy that nothing...and no one could make me want something else..

As for how The Boo is with Boots..He is amazing..He left for work on Monday and kissed me and then kissed her..the sweetest thing ever..He was kind of unsure at first but things have definitely changed and I can see it and I like it..he is a good man and that's all I want for her..

My mom met him for the first time this morning when he was dropping us off and she told me that he made a good first impression on her..boyfriends of the past, she says, were so arrogant that that just was a foot ahead of them before they even started talking she didn't like them. The Boo, she says, is not like that at all, she got a good vibe and that makes me ECSTATIC! I really really truly honestly with every fiber of my being see only good things coming of this...I look forward to every text message, every phone call, the next time I get to feel his lips on mine, the next time I get to see him smile, and of course each every new day, every new milestone..for once I know that I'm going to have someone special around for the holidays..someone I can really share them with..someone that I can really fall in love with and it mean just as much to them. This right here..THIS is my new beginning..I have put in enough years of heart ache and I finally get to cash them in for the final prize.

October 22, 2008

And it just keeps getting better..

Really am I really living this life that I have been living in the past 2 weeks???

The Boo (yes he is officially THE BOO as of Friday) ceases to amaze me...yes, ladies there are sweet, caring, genuine men out there that are attractive,have jobs, and want a relationship. I can only see good things happening with him in my life now. And I cannot wait until the game on Sunday!!! I literally walk around with a huge goofy smile on my face 24/7. I already know where this is taking me and I'm ok with it, because it just feels right.

On the other side of things, tomorrow is the day..the day I tell my little boy goodbye for the longest period we've ever been apart..2 months....I am not looking forward to it, I'm not sure what to expect..I'm sure there will be tears..He always gets upset when it's time to go, but now I will be upset too because I know that he won't be coming back on the weekend..I don't think he really understands that he is moving, I mean he is only 4. And it is probably better this way...

Boots went to the doctor for a checkup. She now weighs 12 lbs 15 oz and is 24 inches at 3 months 19 days...She is really cutting out her nursing..and I can't do much about it either..

Even though I should be really stressed since I have no job and the money is about to run out, I am feeling pretty carefree..I attribute this to The Boo and I know this has to be how life is meant to be lived. Everything will fall into place and will work out, no sense in wasting time stressing and obsessing..I read something on a church sign yesterday.."Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death." Very true, hard times like these are best dealt with lots of prayer and faith, and loving your loved ones just a little bit more. So this is what I am spending my days doing..

October 15, 2008

Now for the real post you all have been waiting for!

(I have decided that PBFJ needs a new, more affectionate name...but I have no clue what I should call him...because we are not officially dating [but as soon as we are..he will be The Boo..yea I know I'm stealing my bestie's term but I can't help myself! He's totally earning being called it!] So with that said let's say Potential Boo is his name for now.)

Potential Boo is probably the sweetest, cutest, funniest guy I ever met. (Well no we haven't officially met in person yet, so the sweetest, cutest, funniest guy I ever have spoken with) He makes me laugh for hours on end (yes he talks to me for hours on end EVERY night and can't seem to get enough of it). He BLOWS TSMOE out of the water! He is sensitive to Bubba moving and has planned a surprise for me the weekend after Bubba leaves. (I am almost positive that he's taking me to the Jags game..but I'm trying to be surprised.) He says that he knows I'm going to be upset about him leaving and that's why he wants to do it for me. He tells me he wants to be the guy I've never had but always deserved. (I KNOW!! Is this really happening!?!?) ((After further review of past posts I realized I totally repeated myself but oh well)) He's always telling me how when we aren't talking he misses me and can't wait til he can talk with me. AND here's the big one, he was supposed to go to a crush party with his friends (some sorority thing for single guys) but he doesn't want to go because of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok so I am trying to stay grounded..I did just get my heart broken..I have a lot of things to risk anytime I get into a relationship..but this one is too sweet to let get away! Every day things seem to get better and the pang from TSMOE is lessened..(Bestie was right)...I never expected to find someone worth talking to on match.com but maybe I really will make a commercial (ok that's me getting ahead of myself) I cannot stop feeling like a high school girl floating on cloud 9 though. (By the way the big date with Potential Boo is tomorrow night! Dinner and a movie..but I'm so excited and NERVOUS!! I haven't been on a date in YEARS! YEARS I TELL YOU! and this will be the big decider on if we continue and take things to "dating" status...so a lot is riding on tomorrow night..eeek!)

As for other parts of my life...Bubba leaving is fast approaching and if I think about it too much, my eyes well up with tears so I try not to think of it at all. I know it's going to be the hardest thing ever to say goodbye (it's only for a few months, but still..) He's not going to understand that this will be a long goodbye either. It kills me when he says things like "I want to come see you now, mommy." And he's only an hour away now..Imagine when he says that from Texas..My heart is heavy just thinking of it. I keep telling myself that I will get through this bad time and will have a good job and place of my own soon and then I will be able to keep him longer. Keep it on repeat in my head.

Boots is eating me out of house and home...She ended her nursing strike but with stipulations..She will only nurse in the morning and before bed..every once and awhile in the afternoon. The rest of the time she wants formula(ugh I hate formula with a passion..) But she refuses to nurse, therefore making my breastmilk supply deplete and making it really hard to pump any out..I can get about 2-4 ounces a day...I have no choice but to use the formula!!! And by the way it's not cheap!!

Speaking of money! Yesterday I trekked to the far away city of Brunswick to file my child support case against Emerson's dad..(what to call him..Dead Beat) ok so to file my case against Dead Beat. It was an almost painless process besides all the prodding questions, "Did you have a sexual relationship with anyone else? Were there witnesses to your relationship? Did he offer to pay for an abortion?" (Let me just say here, everyone everywhere wear a condom..maybe even two or even better don't have sex until you're married..sex makes babies and for some reason some people choose to not remember this) I do feel exceptionally smug because I'm sure Dead Beat thinks just because he isn't answering my calls and I never went to his house that he'll be able to get out of things...WRONGO..The case worker typed in his name and birth date and it took 2 seconds (I swear to God) and she had his address!! I could not wipe the smile off of my face. I am a little bummed because since I am now living in another state it will take a little longer for things to process..now it's just a waiting game. Justice will be served though!

Since I've kicked TSMOE out of my life things have turned around, I am not in a pit of despair any longer and I promise you this..I won't go back there again. I've ripped the rear view mirror off and am only looking forward...the potential is endless :)

October 6, 2008

Don't feel like talking about the drama..


Today we received the sling I ordered off of ebay!(I love ebay by the way!) I was SO stoked about this thing! (I only do two hippie things, I promise, breastfeeding and now wearing my baby.) I wish I would have had the money to buy it sooner because she seems to only like the kangaroo position now that she's 3 months old. It makes things so much easier though since she can feel like she's with me but my hands are free! Best invention ever and a must for any mommy!