When no one else wants to listen..

So I have stupid mommy stats to blab about and seems like no one is around to listen.

Sidenote:

The Boo has been extremely busy lately (apparently December is a busy time for carpet cleaning?? CLEAN IT YOURSELVES PEOPLE!)Anyway I have been struggling trying to keep myself busy and not be an annoying and clingy girlfriend, but the less attention I get the more needy I become. Since I have one failed marriage (and slew of failed relationships) under my belt, I am frantic to not let another one happen. I now realize any relationship is work, hard work. You must stay connected, you must not let mediocrity and life force you apart. If you're tired, too bad, suck it up, and make time for each other, because it will just keep getting worse if you do not stop it NOW! (These are the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. True I have more free time to freak out and have panic attacks about it, BUT it's all true.)

Moving on..

Boots is now 5 months old (and 7 days). She is 14lbs 8oz and 26.75 inches. She is in the 90th percentile for her height! They keep saying she has long legs and is going to be tall (Dead beat is tall). I am excited for that, why you ask? Because I am a whopping 5'3". It gets old. She is healthy and developing well. We tried applesauce today and she seemed to like it much more than the rice cereal. I am excited to start solids. It's so much fun to stand in the baby food aisle and plan little meals for your baby. They have so many new things since Bubba was a baby too. (Yes, once you're a mother you dream about baby food and slings from ebay. I'm serious! True, I would enjoy new things for myself [God knows my bra has about had it] but once you have kids buying stuff for them is much more fulfilling) So no, still no job, no money(Well we have started to get Christmas money but I can't bring myself to pay bills with it, my babies need clothes and fun stuff. Why should they suffer for my poor choices?), and a huge pile of past due notices, yet I have a few things to be happy and excited about-beautiful and healthy children that love me no matter how ratty my bra is!

Desperation..

I desperately need a job..however I am not desperate enough I realized because I am not applying at fast food places and passed up a job at a daycare because I knew it wasn't worth it..Does this make me wrong? I know I am worth more than 7 dollars an hour for only 4 hours a day...Sigh

I desperately want to move forward with The Boo...however we've had some real talks about it and it seems like it will be awhile before we can even think about us moving there. It frustrates me because there are a plethora of jobs there for medical assisting..and none here..I want to start my career already! I want to get into an office and learn everything and move up. But it seems like I can't ever get to that. It's like watching so many opportunities pass you by and being helpless to stop them. I hate hate hate this position I'm in..

I hate the feeling of desperation..engulfing almost my every thought..and then me thinking.."You're not being desperate enough..Your baby needs diapers..and no one else is going to buy them for you anymore.." This thought runs through my head every day and yet, still no job..still no solution..no plan because I got myself stuck on a plan that can't happen for months..What is my problem?? Why am I not motivated enough?!??! I don't know..and I don't think I'll be able to get through this until I figure out what is really holding me back...

Prayers Help..

My bills are coming to be due and the balance in the bank is in the 2 digits...yea, this has caused a massive amount of prayers and me calling the aforementioned bill collector's begging for their mercy...Mercy has been granted temporarily for one of the bills...(sigh of relief)..I have to say that I am very impatient..I am sick of this not having a job, no income coming in..and ultimately just wanting to be somewhere else (ie with The Boo) but it being too soon for such thoughts..or is it? I've decided I'm not going to bring it up, I can't bring it up..I already broke my waiting for him to say everything first rule, by saying that I was more than falling in love, but in fact IN love with him. He didn't say it back, but that's ok..I already know he's falling so it's only a matter of time..can't rush that..I listened to the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks today..(he had put it on his myspace for me) and I cried..tears streamed down my face..it's not an overly emotional song..I mean I've heard it before and it didn't affect me at all..But it's different now..and I can relate..you think you know what you want and need and what's right..but only God knows and all those times he didn't answer my prayers were just so I could get to The Boo. This is why tears filled my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to be able to hug and kiss him (if only he were here...sigh)

So while praying helps in all cases...I can't get mad when some prayers aren't answered..I know He will guide me down the right path always..(just feeding my faith..letting my doubts starve..)