Swallowing Your Pride..

So I'm about to go to a job interview not only at a place that has nothing to do with what I went to school for, but somewhere I would have never thought I'd be applying to work at, at the age of 23....I will just leave it at that...So I'm taking a deep breath in, swallowing my pride and getting ready to walk in there with my head held high..(wish me luck)Let's face it I need a job, I need money..I need to buy diapers and formula, this is what being a single mom is really about..doing whatever it takes to make my little girl's life the best it can be. If you would have asked me when I was graduating high school where I'd be in 5 years..this is not what I would have said..But what would I change..who would I wish away?? No one and nothing..Everything happens for a reason, God has plans for me and I just have to discover them.

By the way, let me just say, thank you for unanswered prayers...I at one time thought I wanted TSMOE in my life and I wanted him to be Boots dad...Now I see why my prayers were unanswered..what a blessing!

Now for the real post you all have been waiting for!

(I have decided that PBFJ needs a new, more affectionate name...but I have no clue what I should call him...because we are not officially dating [but as soon as we are..he will be The Boo..yea I know I'm stealing my bestie's term but I can't help myself! He's totally earning being called it!] So with that said let's say Potential Boo is his name for now.)

Potential Boo is probably the sweetest, cutest, funniest guy I ever met. (Well no we haven't officially met in person yet, so the sweetest, cutest, funniest guy I ever have spoken with) He makes me laugh for hours on end (yes he talks to me for hours on end EVERY night and can't seem to get enough of it). He BLOWS TSMOE out of the water! He is sensitive to Bubba moving and has planned a surprise for me the weekend after Bubba leaves. (I am almost positive that he's taking me to the Jags game..but I'm trying to be surprised.) He says that he knows I'm going to be upset about him leaving and that's why he wants to do it for me. He tells me he wants to be the guy I've never had but always deserved. (I KNOW!! Is this really happening!?!?) ((After further review of past posts I realized I totally repeated myself but oh well)) He's always telling me how when we aren't talking he misses me and can't wait til he can talk with me. AND here's the big one, he was supposed to go to a crush party with his friends (some sorority thing for single guys) but he doesn't want to go because of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok so I am trying to stay grounded..I did just get my heart broken..I have a lot of things to risk anytime I get into a relationship..but this one is too sweet to let get away! Every day things seem to get better and the pang from TSMOE is lessened..(Bestie was right)...I never expected to find someone worth talking to on match.com but maybe I really will make a commercial (ok that's me getting ahead of myself) I cannot stop feeling like a high school girl floating on cloud 9 though. (By the way the big date with Potential Boo is tomorrow night! Dinner and a movie..but I'm so excited and NERVOUS!! I haven't been on a date in YEARS! YEARS I TELL YOU! and this will be the big decider on if we continue and take things to "dating" status...so a lot is riding on tomorrow night..eeek!)

As for other parts of my life...Bubba leaving is fast approaching and if I think about it too much, my eyes well up with tears so I try not to think of it at all. I know it's going to be the hardest thing ever to say goodbye (it's only for a few months, but still..) He's not going to understand that this will be a long goodbye either. It kills me when he says things like "I want to come see you now, mommy." And he's only an hour away now..Imagine when he says that from Texas..My heart is heavy just thinking of it. I keep telling myself that I will get through this bad time and will have a good job and place of my own soon and then I will be able to keep him longer. Keep it on repeat in my head.

Boots is eating me out of house and home...She ended her nursing strike but with stipulations..She will only nurse in the morning and before bed..every once and awhile in the afternoon. The rest of the time she wants formula(ugh I hate formula with a passion..) But she refuses to nurse, therefore making my breastmilk supply deplete and making it really hard to pump any out..I can get about 2-4 ounces a day...I have no choice but to use the formula!!! And by the way it's not cheap!!

Speaking of money! Yesterday I trekked to the far away city of Brunswick to file my child support case against Emerson's dad..(what to call him..Dead Beat) ok so to file my case against Dead Beat. It was an almost painless process besides all the prodding questions, "Did you have a sexual relationship with anyone else? Were there witnesses to your relationship? Did he offer to pay for an abortion?" (Let me just say here, everyone everywhere wear a condom..maybe even two or even better don't have sex until you're married..sex makes babies and for some reason some people choose to not remember this) I do feel exceptionally smug because I'm sure Dead Beat thinks just because he isn't answering my calls and I never went to his house that he'll be able to get out of things...WRONGO..The case worker typed in his name and birth date and it took 2 seconds (I swear to God) and she had his address!! I could not wipe the smile off of my face. I am a little bummed because since I am now living in another state it will take a little longer for things to process..now it's just a waiting game. Justice will be served though!

Since I've kicked TSMOE out of my life things have turned around, I am not in a pit of despair any longer and I promise you this..I won't go back there again. I've ripped the rear view mirror off and am only looking forward...the potential is endless :)

Feeling the horrible and knowing you won't die..

I have realized that, yes, I need to feel the pain of things falling through and then realize that I will not die..the world will not end and happiness does come back. Just as spring creates new life after the winter, I will create a new life without TSMOE and I will be ok. I WILL BE OK! I want to go outside and shout it, but the neighbors around here already talk enough so I'll just close my eyes and do it in my mind. Everything DOES happen for a reason, I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. I needed to start to move on from TSMOE so that I won't miss the one that I'm really meant to be with. Thank God I am no longer allowing myself to be tied up in his web of lies while life passes me by. My bestie made a very true statement, he's mediocre. And there is enough mediocrity in life, why settle for more?!?! Exactly!

As for my suitor..ha ha..Through him I have seen the correct way to court and date. (well there haven't been any dates yet, but there hasn't been any "let's have phone sex" or "watch me beat off on cam" comments! Praise the Lord!) When I think of it, I really have never dated...I had serious relationship after sex relationship after serious relationship. I realize dating with kids is going to be harder, but I am excited at the prospect of REALLY dating and finding someone genuine that doesn't have to get in my pants the first second they see me! (Cuz let's face it, I'm fertile..let's stay away from any sexual encounters for a bit..) So PBFJ actually enjoys talking to me for hours at night and is sensitive to my Bubba moving(yes he is moving to Texas with his daddy and he'll come here for Christmas and the Summer..this situation is not something I want to talk much about because it is upsetting but I have to think of Bubba first and he is happy with his daddy and is going to have a blast in Texas. It's all about giving your children the best and letting them have as many life experiences as possible) So PBFJ says he has a surprise for me the weekend after Bubba leaves..I'm thinking he wants to take me to the Jags game which would be totally awesome!!! Let's all cross our fingers (I do realize that only 2 people read this..haha)

The whole point of this is that things are looking up, I am not in a pit of despair and I know I will be ok because wounds heal, tears can be sewn and made stronger, and all this will only make me better not bitter.

I think I have a stalker..

TSMOE will NOT stop calling me and threatening to post some pictures of me that are compromising to my reputation..(yes there may be a lack of articles of clothing..i know i know..no need for a lecture here..) Anyways he is still back and forth with his whining of "I want you, I miss you.." and "I want to be friends and know how you're doing.." (aka be my friend on facebook or I'll have a new profile picture of you in the compromised position..) Can I just say that he is so very childish and I wish I never knew the kid..Somebody help me!?!?! I no longer will be answering said phone calls, he may speak to my voice mail box and then be deleted. I hope he continues on his path of wrecklessness and contracts an STD, really makes a baby with some random and then dies in a fire..then my soul will be complete!! AHAHAHAHA (yea I can be pretty evil sometimes, but he literally has and still is putting me through hell)

Moving on...so I made myself an account on Match.com (yes laugh hysterically). This site, unlike sites in the past, does have some genuinely nice gentlemen (haha I laugh because I sound so gay right now) Anyways I have 1 suitor as of yet. We will call him IBFJ.. although he has moved to the phone so maybe we should call him PBFJ (the hilarity of this ensues). So IBFJ..I mean PBFJ is 25 and really sweet. He has a dog and seems to be a good guy. Plus he loves the Jaguars. This seems to be a perfect distraction from my obsessive stalker..THANK GOD! Or I might have to jump off a bridge (just joking don't call 911 on me, I'm not going to kill myself) So we'll see maybe I can find love off this website and then make a commercial!! (new life goal)

And The Stupidest Man on Earth Tops himself...

So suddenly T.S.M.O.E. decides to grow a concious and called me last night to "check" on Boots and to get her real dad's number because he will "feel" (ha, like he is capable of feeling anything) better by trying to get him to man up. (I've been trying for almost a year now..he doesn't care) Then he goes on and on about how he loved Boots and blah blah blah. Whatever he interuppted my football for that!?!? So I just brushed it off as a drunken convo (him being drunk, me repeating myself 20 times). Then he decides to call me this morning and this afternoon....I say LOOK BUDDY NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU FROM BEING HER DADDY IF THAT IS WHAT YOU TRULY WANTED..but obviously it is not and I am not stupid. Finally the truth is revealed..he wants to be friends with benefits..(the stupidest thing ever by the way). And proceeds to tell me I should come over so we can have sex...and then I say I can't I have feelings for you and that will only make things worse...(this is where it gets good) He then says "Well do you think I'm stupid and am going to tie myself down to someone who has 2 kids." Thank you TSMOE! You just made it SO easy for me to let you go! Unfortunately he figured out how to tell me what I needed to hear to get what he wanted from me for about 2 months, but now I've smartened up and can see right through his words...Talk is cheap people..Talk is cheap..Lesson of the year!