Desperation..

I desperately need a job..however I am not desperate enough I realized because I am not applying at fast food places and passed up a job at a daycare because I knew it wasn't worth it..Does this make me wrong? I know I am worth more than 7 dollars an hour for only 4 hours a day...Sigh

I desperately want to move forward with The Boo...however we've had some real talks about it and it seems like it will be awhile before we can even think about us moving there. It frustrates me because there are a plethora of jobs there for medical assisting..and none here..I want to start my career already! I want to get into an office and learn everything and move up. But it seems like I can't ever get to that. It's like watching so many opportunities pass you by and being helpless to stop them. I hate hate hate this position I'm in..

I hate the feeling of desperation..engulfing almost my every thought..and then me thinking.."You're not being desperate enough..Your baby needs diapers..and no one else is going to buy them for you anymore.." This thought runs through my head every day and yet, still no job..still no solution..no plan because I got myself stuck on a plan that can't happen for months..What is my problem?? Why am I not motivated enough?!??! I don't know..and I don't think I'll be able to get through this until I figure out what is really holding me back...

Prayers Help..

My bills are coming to be due and the balance in the bank is in the 2 digits...yea, this has caused a massive amount of prayers and me calling the aforementioned bill collector's begging for their mercy...Mercy has been granted temporarily for one of the bills...(sigh of relief)..I have to say that I am very impatient..I am sick of this not having a job, no income coming in..and ultimately just wanting to be somewhere else (ie with The Boo) but it being too soon for such thoughts..or is it? I've decided I'm not going to bring it up, I can't bring it up..I already broke my waiting for him to say everything first rule, by saying that I was more than falling in love, but in fact IN love with him. He didn't say it back, but that's ok..I already know he's falling so it's only a matter of time..can't rush that..I listened to the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks today..(he had put it on his myspace for me) and I cried..tears streamed down my face..it's not an overly emotional song..I mean I've heard it before and it didn't affect me at all..But it's different now..and I can relate..you think you know what you want and need and what's right..but only God knows and all those times he didn't answer my prayers were just so I could get to The Boo. This is why tears filled my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to be able to hug and kiss him (if only he were here...sigh)

So while praying helps in all cases...I can't get mad when some prayers aren't answered..I know He will guide me down the right path always..(just feeding my faith..letting my doubts starve..)

Why is it so hard to get a mediocre job around here?!?!?

So my quest for a job is really frustrating and I probably give up on it several times a day and then realize, "no you have bills to pay NEXT week"....It angers me to have to keep applying for jobs that I am greatly overqualified for, but to also not get an interview for or to have to keep calling them only to hear, "H.R. isn't in today.." EVERYDAY..this lady named, Brenda, must be fictitious...The lack of transportation makes it hard to take any jobs outside of a 10 mile radius and this town is so small there isn't much of anything..I hate it..I hate it here...

Friday cannot come fast enough, I can have another weekend where I can forget about my "I need a job, I'm broke, I suck" problems. The Boo sure does make life sweeter. (yes I have a huge grin from ear to ear on my face)

Anyway..I was thinking of doing something I saw the bestie do in her blog a bit ago..write my 17 year old self a letter..So here it goes..

Dear 17 year old Ashley,

You're in your junior year and you might think you have some serious problems: annoying, nagging parents, no car, a stupid cashier job and a bunch of meaningless relationships under your belt(this is just what they are...trust me). But enjoy this time because it will go by so fast. Soon you will be struggling to make ends meet and there won't be endless shopping sprees to Forever 21. Appreciate your looks now, because you really aren't fat and they was never anything ugly about you. You will quickly have the way you view your body shaken up and it will be really hard for you to find your confidence, so build it up now.

I think I'll let you make the same mistakes over because without one there wouldn't have been the next, and so on and so forth. You're going to meet someone who should have just remained your friend, but without him you would miss out on one of the best gifts God has for you, your son. You're also going to use alcohol to mask the pain of another failed relationship and you make poor choices, however without this lack of judgement you would miss out of your next best gift, your daughter. The only thing I would tell you is to realize that you're better than the guys that you surround yourself with. Your worth is more than they will ever let you see.

You will go through some hard years of heart break, but it will all be worth it because one day not too far away you will meet the man you've always dreamed of and in a way you would have never imagined. Those years of hurt will make you open your eyes, your heart and your mind and you will finally be ready to love unconditionally and give endlessly just like it should be. You will know what you want and need which makes it possible for you to find it.

Try not to sweat your first love and his girlfriend causing drama..your tears aren't worth it. They both will realize their mistakes and beg for your forgiveness. You were never in the wrong, so just hold your head high and enjoy the rest of highschool.

Do hold on to that best friend of yours, she will be one of the only friends to stand through everything. You will have a lot of disagreements and you will hurt each other, but she is your soulmate because no matter what you couldn't live without her in your life. Make sure you keep acting just as silly as always with her, those memories will last you a lifetime.

I know that things have changed greatly between your Aunt and the rest of the family. But please don't distance yourself from her, and do whatever it takes to convince your mom not to either. Your time with her is limited and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Always let your loved ones know how you feel, but especially her.

I'm going to close this with, please remember that you are going to miss this, yet life has so much more in store for you. So don't give up and don't settle. Remember that you are a smart and beautiful girl, inside and out.

Love Your 23 year old self

Swallowing Your Pride..

So I'm about to go to a job interview not only at a place that has nothing to do with what I went to school for, but somewhere I would have never thought I'd be applying to work at, at the age of 23....I will just leave it at that...So I'm taking a deep breath in, swallowing my pride and getting ready to walk in there with my head held high..(wish me luck)Let's face it I need a job, I need money..I need to buy diapers and formula, this is what being a single mom is really about..doing whatever it takes to make my little girl's life the best it can be. If you would have asked me when I was graduating high school where I'd be in 5 years..this is not what I would have said..But what would I change..who would I wish away?? No one and nothing..Everything happens for a reason, God has plans for me and I just have to discover them.

By the way, let me just say, thank you for unanswered prayers...I at one time thought I wanted TSMOE in my life and I wanted him to be Boots dad...Now I see why my prayers were unanswered..what a blessing!